G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: Okay, so, this is going to suck. I wish it wasn’t, but I don’t see any way around it. I was all about Deep Rising and The Mummy, but Steve Sommer’s last gig was Van Helsing, and that shit was abominable. The commercials for this 80’s cartoon update clearly show the Joe’s as young hotshots, and has them in these ridiculous “accelerator” suits. In the cartoon, the Joe’s were all seasoned vets, older grizzled guys (and gals) who had laser-specific identities. Also, from what I can gather from the credit listings, Destro and Cobra Commander are going to get wholly unnecessary back stories. One of the charming things about the campy cartoon was that it just dropped you in the middle of shit, and all this weird nonsense took place, like it was an alternate universe. Over-thinking it and needing to explain things is going to kill the magic. I hope to be proved wrong, but this looks like a clunker.

Julie and Julia: And from pessimism to optimism we go! Incongruous to my personality, I am really excited for this movie. Always an Amy Adams fan, I am happy to see her reunited with her Doubt co-star Meryl Streep, this time in the cinematic adaptation of Julie Powell’s book, written after she spent a year following the recipes of Julia Child’s The Joy of Cooking. So, this is essentially two biopics in one, as it depicts parallel stories: Julie’s growth from wallflower to a person with a strident sense of identity, and Julia Child’s growth from a woman with an already strident sense of identity to one of the most famous chef’s to ever dice a vegetable. This one looks like a winner.

A Perfect Getaway: I so want to be optimistic about this one, too, but I feel I must temper that in my mind with a cold dash of reality. I must anneal my expectations with a dip in the bath of common sense. Okay, esotericism aside, here are the facts: 1) Directed by David Twohy, who brought us the awesomeness of both Pitch Black and The Arrival. 2) Casts the adorable Steve Zahn as the boytoy of super-bendy Milla Jovovich. All good. The bad? Well, it is about a group of vacationers on a Hawaiian island who discover that a psychopath is killing tourists. Just sounds too damn much like Touristas, which, as we all know, fucking sucked. I will go see it because I am a solid supporter of Zahn, but I am hoping that Twohy keeps delivering, and does not take the Steve Sommers express train to his own ass.

Bandslam (yes, that is how it is spelled): Oh, god, deliver me from teen musical coming of age dogcock films. Seriously. This is yet another film set in a high school on planet Good Looking and Talented. My high school was on planet Awkward and Retarded. But anyway, the new kid in town discovers that the big thing in this fucking fashion show of a school is putting together a band and rocking out, and winning this retarculous Bandslam competition. I can tell you from experience that it is the easiest thing in the world to just put a band together, and instantly play well enough to not make the audience want to kill themselves. That is why everyone in the world is in an awesome band. Anyway, everyone in this movie learns to rock, and they all learn the true spirit of Christmas. They can just do it without me.

District 9: Ooh, back to the good! This film makes me harder than Calculus. Producer by Peter Jackson, it centers around the idea of Earth’s first contact with aliens…except something goes wrong. The aliens are detained for questioning, and purportedly just want to get their ship working and leave. But the governments of the world are noticeably reticent to give the tentacle-faced foreigners access to stuff they might could maybe kill us all with, and end up creating for them what is essentially an old-timey Hitler-type Jewish Ghetto deal. The aliens are unwanted by the people who live in the areas surrounding them, and it is all deliciously metaphorical to WWII and also recent genocidal strifes like the ethnic-cleansing campaigns in Rwanda and Serbia. But wait, there’s more! Later, expanded trailers show all sorts of robots and lasers and shit getting blown up! At this point, I would chew a hole through Rosie O’Donnell’s panties to see this movie. I will probably be let down, but without hope, what do I have?

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard: “Used-car liquidator Don Ready is hired by a flailing auto dealership to turn their Fourth of July sale into a majorly profitable event.” That is the plot synopsis at IMDb, and if you are one of my people, you will be struck by how closely that resembles the early Bob Zemeckis joint Used Cars. First-time theatrical director, two writers whose only other project is a dick and fart joke movie starring Seann William Scott. Will Ferrell top-billed even though he’s probably only in it for two minutes. Unfortunately, the fact that Jeremy Piven plays the main character is a mitigating factor, and may actually cause me to watch this crap. Damn.

Ponyo: What a home run for Disney. Take an existing Japanese film, directed by Hayao Miyazaki no less (Howl’s Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, et al), round up a bunch of stars to ADR the bitch, and collect the cash. This one concerns the friendship between a five-year old boy and a a goldfish princess who longs to be human. I am not much for the jittery, big-eyes-small-mouth/big-mouth-small-eyes animation, but I am sure this one will be a wonderful family experience that I will no doubt be dragged to by my daughter…though I would much rather wait for DVD and hear the original Japanese performances. Oh, and one of the Cyrus androids does the voice. That sold you, huh?

The Time Traveler’s Wife: So, this is a romantic drama. Eric Bana is a guy who cannot commit, and Rachel MacAdams is the woman who tries to love him anyway. Sounds like basic stuff, except, of course Bana’s character travels through time, involuntarily. Seems to me like a Quantum Leap vibe: a basic sci-fi premise used to tell a dramatic story. I can get behind that. The poster and trailers, however, really soften things and play up the Nicholas Sparks aspects of the story, so I am naturally somewhat reticent. But I know some intelligent people who adore the Audrey Niffenegger book and have been jonesing for the film (pushed back a year due to Bana shaving his head for Star Trek, then having to wait for it to grow back to do reshoots for Wife) so I am willing to try to give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Inglorious Basterds: Quentin Tarantino’s new movie. Thank you, good night! But seriously folks. QT is a polarizing fellow. Either you love his movies or you hate them. But putting Brad Pitt as the star in this one might actually draw people in who would never think of seeing a QT film. They will not be happy, which actually makes me a little happy. This film is about a ragtag band of fuck-up soldiers in WWII, commissioned to run around and ruin the shit of every Nazi they can find. Sounds like gold to Papa Bear over here. Now, the trivia on IMDb talks about QT writing the script like it isn’t a remake of Enzo G. Castellari’s The Inglorious Bastards (Enzo has a cameo in the remake), but it totally is. And like any good Italian exploitation filmmaker, Enzo’s already got work done on his new film, Caribbean Basterds (notice the adopted misspelling? Yeah, thought you did).

Post Grad: Okay, I had never heard of this film, and was ready to write it off as looking stupid, but I may have to give it a fairer shake than that. It stars Alexis Bledel from The Gilmore Girls (which I hear is a really well-written show) with Michael Keaton and Carol Burnett as the eccentric parents she is forced to move back in with after college, while job hunting. Sounds good so far. Director Vicky Jenson has quite a pedigree behind her name in the animation department, and was co-director of both the first Shrek and Shark Tale. This will be her first solo gig, and her cartoon skills should ensure this live-action piece will have a distinctive look and feel. Adding to the mix is the fact that the thing has only one writer – a novelty in today’s Hollywood, and ensuring that even if it sucks, at least it will evenly suck, it will suck with direction. And Kelly Freemon’s only other produced script as of yet is a short directed by Demi Moore. Who knew she was directing shit now?

Shorts: This is going to be short. No pun intended. I think that Robert Rodriguez’s movies made for adults are absolutely awesome, but his kids films, not to much. This one, about a small, rainbow-colored rock landing in suburbia and giving whoever touches it the ultimate power to have any wish granted looks, to be frank, like shit. The cinematography and special effects look on par with the average made-for-Nickelodeon movie.  To say that I have interest in this trite-looking throwaway is to put it mildly. And, of course, I will invariably be dragged to it. Hopefully I will be proven wrong, but I doubt it.

The Final Destination: Quick editorial: this is Final Destination 4, and the decision to change the title and pusssify the poster to draw in a bigger crowd fucking sucks. Okay. Back to business. I won’t bother giving you the plot lowdown: it’s the same shit as the first three. Premonition, death avoided, death comes calling for its due. The end. What is notable about it is that Dave Ellis is back directing again. He is the former stuntman and directed of Snakes on a Plane who took the concept from the decent first film and made it a balls out, nasty horror film. After the sucky third part, I am happy as a pig in shit to see him back. Also, this one will be presented in 3D. Given those two facts, if you don’t see this in the theater, you’re an idiot.