|
Page 2 of 4 And, alas, the worst thing about having to do this column is making even a cursory mention of The Lost Boys. Horror-lite. Pretty boy bullshit. My first experience with the soul-crushing incompetence of Joel Schumacher. But at least he didn’t give the master vampire at the end a suit with nipples on it. I guess that is something (it goes without saying that I intend to go to my grave never clapping an eye on the sequel, Coreys or not). I know, I know, so much for not being negative, huh? I have never written a column before about movies I don’t like, because I find it to be a waste of time. I mean, why take the effort of typing out thousands of words about stuff I don’t like, when the equal amount of time could be taken wanking off about the good stuff, the stuff that I spend countless hours watching dogshit to find and bring to you, so you don’t have to suffer as much as me. In that regard, I aim now to bring to the fore some vampire films that either keep the spirit of the monster, or at least properly entertain me. Bear in mind that there are enough vampire films floating around out there to keep me watching them until I have a big old white Billy Gibbons beard. So take these eight and get off my damn back. | 1. Near Dark. Yes, I know it is cliché to even mention this film, but the fact of the matter is, it has possibly the least romanticized vampires in cinema history. Not only are there no fangs on view, but I believe the V word is never even so much as uttered. Yes, the main plot featuring the milquetoast Adrian Pasdar (hot off the heels of Solar Babies) as Caleb and the Lolita-ish Jenny Wright as Mae (best known as the chick who goes down on the fat black security guard in Pink Floyd’s The Wall) is boring beyond measure, and the ending is just as stupid as any M. Night Scooby-Doo nonsense, but the stuff featuring the rest of the family is gold. Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton are wonderfully ruthless and violent, such as slicing open people’s jugular veins with their spurs and drinking the resultant blood from beer steins, and there is even a little Tim Thomerson action, which never hurt nobody. Be on the lookout for a remake soon, which I am sure will just be peachy (sarcasm). |  |
| 2. Fright Night. Another 80’s vampire joint, this one features Chris Sarandon as absolutely the creepiest regulation Dracula wannabe ever. He plays it slight and smooth, creating tension with his charm, if such a thing is possible. He moves in next door to teenage Charley Brewster, and proceeds to blatantly be vampiric and kill chicks in front of his open window. Which sort of goes along with his almost sympathetic portrayal, calling back to the concept laid out by Stoker, that maybe Dracula wasn’t so happy never dying, and having to feed on human blood. Sarandon’s Jerry Dandridge almost says as much to Brewster, who is too stupid to figure out he is being given a chance to live. Unfortunately the film sort of devolves into generic 80’s fare towards the end, complete with a bad techno-music dance club scene. Still, a mostly entertaining movie with some good gore, and the always creeptastic Stephen Geoffreys. “You’re so cool, Brewster!” |  |
|
