|
Page 1 of 2 
Zombieland debuts October 2nd -- but Zombie Boy and Angela Mac already have questions. Drawing from misspent youths in front of the VCR, the intrepid columnists present the questions one should ask before watching any zombie film.
10) Will There Really Be Zombies?
The first question any discerning zombie enthusiast should ask themselves when cozying in for an hour and a half with some popcorn and the living dead should be, “So, are they gonna put any zombies in this here zombie flick?”
Because sometimes, they don’t. Some of the finest zombie films, in fact, have nary a post-life carnivore in the mix. Sometimes, the flesh-eaters might be a twist on the zombie storyline, by way of a rabies-like infection – as was parlayed to splendid proportions in 28 Days Later. Sometimes, there weren’t zombies, and there wasn’t a twist on the zombie storyline -- *sometimes* it was just a case of, outright, spiritual possession of a corpse – yet, Evil Dead still ends up on some poorly conceived Zombie Film Lists… and that makes us make a zombie face. | 
Just because it looks and quacks... |
We sincerely hope Zombieland does not make us make a zombie face. We want to see zombies – no possessed, no infected – but real, veritable, died-in-the-woods, eats-your-mother ZOMBIES. 
Ruuun, Zombie -- Ruuuuuun! | 9) Will The Zombies Run?
Will horror fans please, for chrissakes, stop bitching about running zombies? They ran in Return of the Living Dead, and the only horror fan who fails to acknowledge the awesomeness of that film is a stupid one. It only seems to be a problem in reference to Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead. For anyone who cares enough to get their facts first, James Gunn's initial script contained both lurching and sprinting zombies, depending on their state of decay. But when the bean-counters demanded a trimming, the decision was made to axe the slower ghouls and keep the livelier (haha) ones. Know why? Because an enemy who is booking at you is scarier than one who you can evade by simply lengthening your stride. So the next time you feel a fast-zombie bitch rap coming on, point your cake-hole in the other direction unless you want Zombie Boy's size-12 boot delivered to a dark place.
|
On the other hand, if the zombies are slow… well, we can chew on that, too. Molasses zombies are an acquired scare, yes, but if deftly crafted, the payoff is worth the wait. Lengthening your stride works wonders when one is awake, freshly fed, buzzing with energy and armed for bear. Eventually (and in horror, eventually has a habit of showing up sooner rather than later), however, one needs to stop moving, needs to sleep… needs to reassess the ammo situation because some daft motherfucker (probably the four-eyed whiner) was under the impression buckshot would fire from a Magnum. (And really, maybe it can. We have no idea. But, surely, you can appreciate what we’re trying to say.)
The dead who are swift break up monotony in a storyline. Gnashing teeth, tearing fingers, bottomless bellies all screwed onto a pair of legs that hone in on their prey faster than you can run – faster than you can think. Quick movements usher in a cavalcade of stunted edits, and frantic shifts of location and logic. Put together seamlessly, it’s a jarring recipe; whereas, the dead who are slow represent the painstaking grip of mortality. Time is afforded to study them, for intimate awareness of their strengths and weaknesses – and to realize, too, there’s a whole lot of them, but just a little bit of you. 8) Will The Zombies Be Funny?:
This is an ambiguous one. Basically, you can have comedy in reference to zombies, but the zombies themselves cannot be funny. A good side-by-side comparison is Return of the Living Dead 2 and Shaun of the Dead. SOTD played the zombies straight, but found humor in the reactions of the living. Mary is a flesh-starved monster, but when Ed and Shaun think she is merely drunk at 10 AM, it is pretty hilarious. As far as ROTLD 2 goes, we will simply say, "Get that damn screwdriver out of my head" and be done with it. Do you want a repeat of that retardation? Didn't think so.
Just so we’re clear here: unless it is the acoustic-strumming narrator of the flick – who was humorous well before zombification – who is the funny zombie (Dead and Breakfast), no … funny … zombies. | 
It's okay, Zach -- YOU can be funny. |
Some Men Will Do Anything for Head. | 7) Will Anyone Love a Zombie?: Women don’t ask for much. Well, okay – they *seem* to ask for an astronomer, poet, pianist, general laborer, psychic, philosopher, body builder, tango instructor, philanthropist, dog lover, and lottery winner all rolled into one. At the end of the day, though, any half-rotted twit with a perky smile and mostly-intact heart will fit the bill. Even beyond Fido, where zombies are concerned, love sometimes springs in the most unlikely places. We’ve all felt, at one low moment or another, there wasn’t another breathing soul on this planet who housed the corroded circuitry necessary to mesh with us. Is it that far-fetched to posit, then, that in the event of a coherent, charming zombie, a social outcast might find their soul mate? Even if, as in Michelle Soavi’s brilliant Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man in the US), it was just the head of a zombie – when it comes to love, afterall, sometimes it’s all in the head, anyway. |
6) Will the Zombies Themselves Make Sweet, Sweet Love?
There is certainly a precedent for necrophilia in horror films (Buttgereit, we're looking at you), but how about ghoul on ghoul action? Look no farther than Peter Jackson's classic Braindead (Dead-Alive in the US). Father McGruder and Nurse McTavish spend almost the whole of their reanimation trying to bump uglies, and they succeed in the full and uncut version. And it is ugly.
| 
If you don't know about the birds and the bees, just ask Mummie. |
Zombies just wanna have fun, too!
| 5) Will the Zombies Have a Backstory?: Lots of zombie movies have been made, and most try to come up with at least some half-assed reason why the dead rise, while others make it their central theme. In Romero's Night of the Living Dead, some passing mention is of the earth passing through the tail of a comet, and the radiation being the cause of the walking corpses. But it is a peripheral story point at best, and never even mentioned in the subsequent films. Night of the Comet used the same scenario (obviously), but played it up through the entire film. Our favorite part about that one is how it slowly creeps up on you that it is a zombie film. Like sleight of hand: pretty Valley girls, comet, weird dudes in a mall...ZOMBIES! |
|
