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I saw this movie in the Redbox, and my bullshit detector red-lined. Vinnie Jones on the cover, looking like an extra from Apocalypse Now, some horse-puckey about 2000-year old “bog bodies” coming back to life and taking revenge on unspecified people, and nary a clue as to where the movie is set (bog made me think Louisiana, but it turns out to be Ireland). I figured it would satisfy my deep-rooted masochistic need to watch the worst films imaginable, and it succeeded. In spades. I reveled in the nonsensical plot as the filmmakers mustered all of their cinematic prowess and logical abilities and set them on fucking fire. It is no coincidence that in England bog is a slang term for toilet.
The movie starts with a bang as Mr. Hunter (Jones), equipped with a gun that is not the sub-machine gun shown on the cover, snuffs a reject from American Gladiators with the sheer power of his awful one-liners. He hacks off another offender’s hand with one swipe of a hunting knife (sure, totally possible), and said offender sinks to the bottom of a puddle, with Hunter’s boot. Hunter demands its return…and it comes shooting back out. None of this is explained or makes any sense. I mean, fucking wow. Finding this movie was like a wet-dream. | After that obviously tacked on teaser, we begin the movie proper with Jason Barry, by all accounts an actual actor with an impressive directorial career brewing, as a douchebag anthropologist giving a lecture on…anyone, anyone…yes, bog bodies. We only learn later that this was taking place in a museum, which are definitely known to be dimly lit, hobbit-cave looking places. He then chats up Saiorse (pronounced sir-shee, and played by a constipated-looking Nora-Jane Noone, on loan from Neil Marshall for 90-minutes), whom he only then learns is his appointed driver. Of course he would only learn this after his lecture. Because she would not have already been needed to, I don’t know, fucking drive him to the fucking museum. | 
This is the safe haven that all these morons crave. |
At the same time Prof. D-Bag and The Girl Who Could Not Poop are having their painfully less-than-witty banter on the drive back to Dublin, so are two other sets of malcontents trying to achieve the same: there are Hannah and Mallory, and Deano and Lorna. Hannah and Mallory are cousins from opposite sides of the pond, who are on foot after running out of petrol, and giving dumbass expositive dialog of the type that normal people never, ever say to each other. Deano is the beleaguered cabbie forced to drive around Power Cunt Lorna Dunn, who makes a pit stop to chastise some of her construction workers who have uncovered a…anyone, anyone…yes, a bog body, while digging a foundation for her companies new apartment complex. She orders them to dump the mummy somewhere and shut their damn mouths. The duo subsequently get stuck in the mud. 
C'mon, bite a turnbuckle open, you know you want to! | After a collision with a cow (take that, vegan scum!), D-Bag and No Poop start out on foot looking for help, and end up in the same small shack that the Sob Cousins and Cabbie and Cunt likewise found. What are the odds? Unbeknownst to them, but knownst to us, the recently upturned bog body has come to life. How? Fucked if I know. He just sort of puffed up, and turned into a Tor Johnson looking bastard who storms off, acting all emo, and killing people that hurt his widdle feewings. |
So, these retards can’t go out and try to find their way back to the road, because it is too dark. Yet they head out looking for firewood and food, scrounging potatoes and mushrooms and shit. You know how they found that stuff? Because it was perfectly fucking light out. Then No Poop decides she needs a shower. Which consists of getting naked, turning the water on, rubbing her hands under the water, rubbing some water on her face, then turning the water off. All this, and not even any titties. A crying shame, I tell you. Enter Vinnie Jones, again. Surprise! This is Mr. Hunter’s shack. Now the fun really starts. Except it doesn’t. He also agrees that it is much too dark to take them back to the road, meanwhile bone-bright moonlight is literally streaming in through the fucking window. Then they start telling moronic stories and bickering and I started thinking I had had a stroke at some point during the proceedings. It is seriously an orgy of dumminess. After the dinner scene I made the decision that I goddamn hated every single one of them, and wanted each of their deaths to be protracted and painful. | At this point they all go in the cabin, then out of the cabin, then argue, then band together, then split up, then go in and out of the cabin again, and who gives a shit. Tor Johnson shows up, even though he had toddled off into the city and killed a clown (I swear to god). Supposedly he craves water to survive. How weird. A carbon-based creature that needs water to survive. Total science fiction. Anyway, several small battles ensue, until the mind-bogglingly fucktarded climax. I mean, I can’t even describe the bullshit you will witness. It goes past the horizon of language. Just sit back and let the insults to your intelligence beat you senseless. |  Who knew falling into a bog for 45-seconds turns you into Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment? |
As far as the mechanical stuff, it is all a mess. I looked up the cinematographer on IMDb. It doesn’t say that he is legally blind, so I may have to add an update to his page. Either he is hard of sight, or he has trouble with the concept of the light-bulb. What should have been breathtaking vistas of the splendid greenery that is the Emerald Isle, it all just looks like logging roads in Kentucky. The special effects look like they were done on a Commodore 64, and the script reads like it fell out of a consumptive badger’s ass. There is literally not a single reason to watch this Shamrock-shaped turd. Unless you’re an alien like me who gets off on it. In which case, I included a convenient link below. Enjoy! PS: It occurs to me that I never fully explained what a bog body is. Okay, so, you see - Hey! What's that shiny thing over there?
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