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In the alternate reality of Priest, there have always been vampires and there have always been humans, and they have always been locked in mortal combat. For many years the vampires had the upper hand: strength, numbers, and sheer ferocity. About the only upper hand the humans had was the daylight. But at some point the church began seeking out and training warrior priests.
Once these priests pushed the vampire menace far enough back to be ensconced in reservations, the humans then ensconced themselves behind walls into cities run by the church. But lo and behold, the vampire menace might not be as eradicated as previously though.
Enter Paul Bettany, the unnamed titular Priest, who must come out of the retirement forced on him by the church, who became fearful of the power they themselves created. Priest’s family is attacked by the vampires that are supposed to be contained, and the church won’t let him go back into action for fear that the populace will think the church cannot protect them, so Priest must go rogue to avenge his family and save his kidnapped niece from the bad man who is breeding a new vampire army to eradicate humanity. |
Look! There! It's a better movie!
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Priest, loooooooosely based on a Korean graphic novel, is really reaching for the stars. It’s a sci-fi/western/horror film with overarching religious overtones and huge action set pieces. So why did it suck? Two reasons: the cast and the writing. Paul Bettany is a great actor, but he is not an action badass. He does his best to brood, and gamely flies around on wires, but it’s just never quite believable. The same can be said for Cam Gigandet, who does his best to be Chris Pine but never achieves it.
Maggie Q plays Priestess, a similarly underwritten character. While Priest broods, Priestess makes puppy dog eyes at him. Other than their fighting, that’s about all either has to offer, while Gigadent’s Hicks, the sheriff of the borderlands town where Priest’s family was attacked and his niece’s boyfriend, nips at their heels and I suspect was supposed to be a cipher for the audience, but all he does is stand around and smell farts for 90-minutes.
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At the very least, he does look like he'd make a good Roland Deschain.
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Then there’s Karl Urban, whose misuse is possibly the most criminal element of the whole film. Urban is simply a marvelous actor, but he gets the film-wide one-note character, just a dude dressed like the guy from Red Steel who snarls a lot about how sweet it is to be a human vampire. Oops, spoiler alert. But really, within the first five minutes of the film you should figure out this plot twist, along with the one featuring Priest’s niece, Lucy. If you can’t, you’re either dead or clinically stupid. |
The vampires also suck. They’re a cross between the creatures from I Am Legend and the licker from Resident Evil. They were supposed to be an attempt at making vampires scary again, but they’re just mindless monsters, like giant insects or rabid dogs. Not exactly instilling terror in anyone. The Queen, however, was damned frightening. Of course she was only shown for a second. Maybe she’ll be more present in the sequel that was so obviously and painfully set up for at the end of the film.
The religious elements could have been the saving grace for the film, but were pissed away, along with everything else, for monochromatic scenes of people riding hi-tech motorcycles through the desert. It stands to reason that creatures so embedded in Christian mythology (crosses, holy water, etc) should cause a society literally reigned over by a megasuperhuge church. But while the vampires here do dissolve in sunlight, the holy water myth is exploded and crucifixes don’t seem to be a huge distraction for them. So the monolithic church state takes on less significance, and it forgotten for most of the film.
| So there you have it. All the good stuff was wasted in lieu of CG monsters, exaggerated wire-work, and broad melodrama. The script is weaker than hotel lobby tea and the great actors were either miscast or relegated to one-dimensional graves. See this on video, if you must, but I would avoid the cost of a theater ticket. It’s not worth it. And please, for fuck’s sake, don’t see it in 3D. It is a 2D conversion, which is a waste of time and money. It. Will. Always. Suck. |
He turned it sideways! Killshot!
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